When You’re the Wrong Parent to Parent

Find Your Village and Live In It

You might assume that with all my training, I navigate my two sons’ emotional ups and downs with effortless grace. The reality? Not even close. I've worked hard to be the kind of mom they can confide in about everything. But I also know deep down that I don’t always have the right answers or the right temperament in the moment. I’m okay with that. There’s a reason why every good coming-of-age story has one or two mentors—coaches, family friends, teachers, or uncles—who listen and support the hero. Why are these figures so important in art and real life? Because, despite being their mother and a psychiatrist, I’m also a bicultural, self-professed nerd who thrives on conquering big goals. Sometimes I’m the right person to help; other times, I’m not.

Psychiatrists call this idea "goodness of fit," a term that refers to how well someone’s temperament matches their environment and the people around them. Your child’s temperament reflects how they handle emotions, behavior, and attention—just like yours does. A good fit between their temperament and yours, or that of other trusted adults, creates the foundation for a happier, more balanced life.

Unfortunately, many parents unwittingly stifle their kids' growth by tightening control just as their children are beginning to need broader connections. Sometimes parents feel threatened or insecure when their child turns to another adult for advice.  Guess what- you have not experienced every situation and your temperament won’t always match what your kid needs in that moment. And there is nothing wrong with that!

To truly grow, kids must expand their networks beyond home. So instead of acting as their jailer or sole confidant, focus on helping them build meaningful relationships with adults who can provide an emotional respite. Here’s how I advise other parents and guardians to do it.

Open Communication

Have you seen the Breakfast Club? It endures as a cultural touchpoint, not because it's a great film but because it so effectively expresses the central desire of kids during inflection and adolescence: to be understood by adults and oneself. Give your kid the best chance at connecting with an understanding adult by first establishing clear expectations.

Develop a connection with the adult if she's outside the family's network through talking. Chat about the role you envision them having–” I’d love for you to talk to Sarah about drugs but not introduce her to them…” and make it clear that the intent isn’t for them to act as a substitute but rather as a trusted ally. Ask her if she is comfortable with the role and, if so, express gratitude for her willingness to be part of your child’s support system.

By establishing this foundation, you ensure that all the caring adults in your teen’s life are on the same page, creating a sort of ‘united front’. Your child's sense of isolation and resistance to open dialogue will decrease as they feel safe turning to more than just one person.

Respect Boundaries 

A related and equally important consideration involves healthy clear boundaries. In an ideal world, all adults would acknowledge and enforce appropriate boundaries in their relationships but this is not reality. So while it’s important to create this network of supportive adults for your pre-adolescent, it’s equally essential to define and respect boundaries within these connections. Since you’re an outsider to this relationship, discuss with each adult who ends up being important to your kid and what appropriate boundaries look like for you. It's very easy to seem overly involved and neurotic in this step but if you approach it correctly, you can rest easy. What is the healthy balance between being available for your teen and respecting your family’s privacy? That’s a question you need to be able to answer before diving in. Whatever specifics you decide upon, remember to emphasize that building trust involves being a dependable presence without overstepping or making your kid feel pressured to share more than they’re comfortable with.

Encourage these adults to focus on active listening and to offer guidance when asked, rather than prying for information or intervening in situations that may be more appropriately handled by you as a parent. Establishing these parameters from the beginning prevents any misunderstandings or awkward situations from arising. Reinforce that their role is to be a caring ally who your teen can approach when they feel ready, rather than someone who seeks to manage their challenges.

Lastly, confidentiality is key, but there should still be an understanding of when it’s necessary to involve you, especially if your child discloses something that suggests they’re at risk. By articulating and coming to an agreement on this stuff,  you ensure the support system is built on mutual respect, safety, and trust.

Quality Over Quantity

In parenting and relationships with other adults, the depth of relationships often matters more than the breadth. Rather than striving to create a vast network of acquaintances, focus on cultivating a few strong, trusting connections for your children. The research out there shows that mentor figures help drive better educational outcomes and emotional solidity. 

Encouraging your kids to nurture these deeper relationships involves a few simple steps: give your child the freedom to maintain regular interactions and continue to model vulnerability and honesty at home.

Teach your children the importance of trust, respect, and vulnerability in building lasting connections. By prioritizing quality over quantity, you’re helping your children develop a support network that can guide them through both everyday challenges and significant life transitions, so be picky. But not too picky.

Conclusion

The inflection years provide a vital opportunity for your kids to understand the value of social networks and mentors. It's empowering for them to establish trusted relationships with adults for guidance, while still having you as a parent to listen and support them when needed. Remember, it's important to be vulnerable and acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers and may not always be emotionally available. You are human, too.