Tweens Into Teens: The Age of the Crush

We often think of puberty as a switch, especially regarding girls’ periods, but similar to perimenopause, there are many changes that happen in advance of that. The onset of puberty spans widely in the inflection years. The experience of an 8-year-old versus a 15-year-old will be emotionally and intellectually vast. During these years, children’s awareness for and of their peers skyrockets, as does the weight of their opinions. When you pair that with a child’s own worries and judgments regarding their development, they’re under pressure they’ve never experienced before. 

Children are also learning to navigate many complicated and similar emotions at once: envy, admiration, respect, and desire can share many of the same attributes. Sometimes it’s hard for adults to even snuff out the difference. For a child, learning the differences takes time and often playful exploration. 

‍How it may present

Peer groups are reshaping as attractions develop. You may see your child start to shun certain relationships or change who they hang out with. There are many factors that can lead to these changes, but know that they’re often guided by a child wanting to feel accepted by their peers. 

Around 8 or 9, or even younger, children may start asking questions about love and relationships like when do people have their first kiss? What does a boyfriend or girlfriend do? They’ll show curiosity in relationships and may even blush or hide when watching characters in a show kiss or hold hands. 

As pre-teens, they may become more proactive and start changing certain behaviors. They might express more interest in their hair or clothes, attempting to get someone’s attention, or just being more aware of the attention being placed on them. They might start to “show off” more, in hopes of looking cool in front of their crush. 

And as children enter puberty, you may even notice them singling certain people out, hoping to spend time with them alone as they begin to have a better understanding of the many new feelings they are experiencing. 

How to talk to them

Parents are often depicted in media as out of touch or difficult to talk to when it comes to these big feelings, but if you want to have an open, honest relationship with your child through their teen years, the best thing you can do is foster that type of relationship from the beginning. 

When they come forward with body changes or emotional queries, it’s normal for parents to experience a range of big emotions from nostalgia to panic to glee. Some parents may even have the knee-jerk reaction to shut these feelings down, dismissing the child’s feelings — but the most important thing any parent, caregiver, or pediatrician can do is listen. Injecting our own experiences (or comparing a child’s experience to a sibling or peer) rarely has the intended effect. To understand their emotions, children need to explore them, and to explore their emotions, they need to be able to sit with them in a safe and supportive environment. 

If your child shares their crush with you, engage with them. Ask them what they like about the person, if they think that person likes them. The key is not to push away the notion or, on the other end of the spectrum, to push your child for details. Be interested but not desperate. (Now this really sounds like advice about crushes.) If a child says they have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you can ask what that means to them. They might say it means they sit next to each other in the cafeteria or that they had a wedding at recess.

If you suspect they have a crush, but they’re not bringing it up, you can always gently inquire: “You’ve been hanging out with Sam a lot. How do you feel when you two hang out?” Gentle curiosity is key. 

Thinking about and setting ground rules

When you know these conversations are coming, you have time to think about what you want your “house rules” to be. Every family is different, and it helps to pause and consider what you’ll ask of your child before they’re the ones asking you. 

Some questions to consider:

• If they wanted to go on a “date”, where could they go? Is going to the movies OK? Or would you prefer they hang out at the house?
• If having a crush over at the house is OK, where are they allowed to hang out? Can the door be closed? 
• Are they allowed to go to a crush’s house?
• What hours could a date take place? And when do those hours change? For instance, if your 13-year-old is allowed to see a matinee as a date, do you have an idea of at what age they can take a date to the movies at night?

The earlier you have an idea of these rules, the earlier you can begin talking about them with your child. When your child knows your expectations in advance, they’re less likely to be surprised or angry later. Remember, they’re experiencing a swirl of new and complicated emotions — the last thing they need is to feel like their parents are disappointed in them for an expectation they didn’t know that parent had.

A few reminders to share with children

While most crushes are harmless explorations, there are still big feelings and occasionally big concerns as children get older.

First, assure them that crushes and all the accompanying feelings of fear and jealousy and doubt are normal and even healthy. And that while they may feel embarrassed or awkward, that’s normal too. Knowing that many people feel that way can ease the burden.

Second, heartbreak is real, but not forever. We as adults know that childhood crushes are typically forgotten and even funny, but that’s not how it feels to a child. Don’t dismiss and don’t chuckle. Be there for them to listen, or take them out for a fun afternoon together. 

Third, introducing or elaborating on concepts like consent and boundaries can be helpful during this time. Let them know it’s OK to not want to be someone else’s boyfriend or girlfriend. A crush does not have to be reciprocated, and you can talk about ways for your child to set boundaries that make them feel safe. 

The most important thing for all caregivers to remember is that kids are at the very beginning of exploring the ideas of love and attraction. They’re playing with the concepts, not planning their futures. When we can remember this without being dismissive or attempting to direct their feelings, children will feel better supported and more likely to share.