Tweens Into Teens, Part 1: Navigating Behavioral Changes from 8-15 Years Old

Adolescence is the hallmark of change in a kid’s life, often looked at by caregivers with nervous anticipation of just how “bad” it might be. But adolescence isn’t a switch. Families can prepare and build sturdy bonds through the inflection years, from 8-12, setting the stage for better communication in adolescence. Caregivers often consider these years as the last hurrah of their children being “little,” but paying attention to how children are evolving in these tween years builds a foundation of respect. 

What’s happening

The tween years, or the inflection years, are when a child’s focus starts to turn from inward to outward. They are evolving from thinking mostly about themselves to thinking about others and others’ perceptions of them. They become more aware of their peers and their own standing within their peer group, all while experiencing tremendous shifts cognitively and physically. Similar to the ages of 3-5, there is also a great range within these years of when and how each child matures, both in their emotional maturity and physical maturity. 

What can caregivers expect

The most important thing to expect is change. How a child evolves in these years is variable. A caregiver’s role is to be stable throughout the changes, whatever they may be, especially given that some of the most cherished family routines might be where change is felt the most. One of the most common places to witness this change is the bedtime routine.

Where there used to be countless hugs and kisses, parents may be experiencing a new reality where the child offers one kiss, perhaps a quick hug, and is off to read on their own. This can be devastating to parents, and it is natural to want to express disappointment, but it doesn’t serve children to have this disappointment put on them. They’re in the midst of moving through an important milestone of carving out independence, and it’s something that caregivers can be proud of and show respect for — even if it does jostle some insecurities and longing. 

Holidays especially can feel very different. Traditions and expectations like sitting in a parent’s lap to watch fireworks getting excited to hang lights in the winter may not happen as children start to navigate who they are in their next phase. Caregivers can often feel left behind when this happens, realizing how dependent they had become on affirmation from their children to feel whole. 

What’s important for any caregiver to remember is that independence is the point. These signals of “growing up” mean the child has matured on the right path, and it is a reflection of how well that child was raised. The goal is not to have a 17-year-old who needs an elaborate bedtime routine full of kisses and rocking. It sounds silly when I put it like that, right? The goal is that they feel respected so they can appreciate their caregivers at this new stage.

How to help children during these changes

For a child, these inflection years mean not only does the world feel bigger, but so do their brains. They are beginning to experience new emotions, fears, and dynamics with their peers. Caregivers should treat challenges with peers as a given, and be ready to support children as if they’re going through a heartbreak. Children’s emotions will feel enormous to them, and they can begin differentiating between feelings and facts with their caregivers’ help. 

If a child hasn’t matured quite as quickly as their peers, experiencing these changes closer to age 15, they may express fear as their friends begin having sleepovers and going to the movies alone. Alternatively, if they’re ahead of their friends and being maturing closer to age 8, they may feel they have nothing in common anymore as their interests change. This can be a lonely transition either way, and while it’s easy to want to offer solutions, this is when it’s important to help a child learn to sit with this big emotion as is. 

One of the most important things for caregivers to avoid is comparison. “When I was a kid” or “when your sibling was your age” will only isolate the child, making them less likely to seek your guidance or support in the future. What they need most is to feel comfortable sitting with their new, big emotions, and caregivers can show them how to do that by sitting with them. After all, as these tweens seek independence, it doesn’t mean they don’t need love. They still need to hear I love you, they still need to fundamentally understand that they are supported. It will just look a little different. 

These inflection years can feel shocking and heartbreaking, but they can also be times of magical connection and growth. Here are a few things to keep in mind while moving through them:

For the child:

• Respect them as they explore independence
• Guide the child through facts versus feelings 
• Help children identify their emotions and learn to sit with them, rather than offering solutions

For siblings:

• Reassure younger siblings that while love can look different, it’s still there
• Remind the maturing sibling that their younger sibling may feel like they’re losing a friend, and should still be treated gently

For the caregiver: 

• Avoid expressing disappointment as a child explores their independence
• Evolve your routines so your child feels heard and seen, and not infantilized 
• Remember to skip the comparisons to your own experience or siblings’ experiences 
• Journal. While some sweet routines may fall to the wayside, there are new and wonderful things to enjoy with this age. Write down the good and the bad. 

What pediatricians can be aware of

As children’s focus turns outward, and they become increasingly aware of the perception of others’, that includes the people responsible for their pediatric care. They can be more open to care and honesty if during these years they feel respected. 

The long and the short of it is: There is a shift of behaviors and emotions of the tween, and that shift impacts their ecosystem which includes caregivers, siblings, and even care providers. Changing with them and learning to shift from "manager" (where the caregiver is deeply involved in everything) to a "coach" mentality (where you are guarding but not solving the challenges they will face) eases the tension that many feel during this time.

‍