Setting Limits on Social Media: A Guide for Parents

Digital Development

When my sons spend too much time in front of screens, they look like zombies—their glazed eyes say it all. This isn’t just harmless fun; it's a stark reminder that overuse of video games and social media apps can have real consequences. As the first generation to grow up in this digital age, they’re pioneers of a new kind of coming-of-age experience. It’s only natural that we feel anxious about navigating this unknown territory as their parents.

I know–from personal and clinical experience–that setting boundaries on screen time is challenging, and pushback is inevitable. Remember, the ages of 8 to 15 are pivotal years when kids naturally test limits. Today, much of that pushback plays out in social media conflicts with adults: while we insist on limits, they argue for autonomy.

Taking a nuanced view helps. Video games and social media use are not inherently negative. after all. These are relatively safe spaces for young people to experiment with identity and self-expression, free from our gaze. Our objective is to keep it healthy given the potential for overuse and harm. I hope the following ‘cheat sheet’ takes some of the pain out of your own negotiations. And keep at it– one day our kids will thank us.

Step 1: Engage Your Child in an Open Conversation

Before jumping into time limits and other topics that might spark conflict, ask your child in a relaxed, open manner what they enjoy about Minecraft or TikTok, or in my case FIFA video games. They’ll have some fascinating insights to share. By exploring their digital landscape without judgment, you're creating buy-in. Kids are far more likely to respect rules when they feel heard and involved in making them.

A little basic knowledge goes a long way, too. You’ll find a lot of boys are into online games like Fortnite and Roblex, which both have multiplayer models. Kids love the interactive capability of teaming up and competing against friends. Girls tend to be more drawn to social media platforms like TikTok, a rapidly growing video-sharing platform spotlighting singing, dancing, and lip-syncing. It boasts a user base of 1.6 billion—far surpassing Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and YouTube. 

Regardless of how you feel about Pokemon or Instagram, try to express some appreciation for their appeal. If you’re thinking, “This stuff is such garbage,” during the whole exchange, your child will naturally resist your efforts. Connect around a shared appreciation of some feature, like the choreography or characters, and reference it if negotiations become adversarial.

Step 2: Establish Clear Boundaries and Incentives

When you get to the meaty part of negotiations, continue encouraging your child to voice their thoughts. If you’re genuinely interested in their input, you’ll foster a sense of ownership and responsibility. Discuss and agree upon two main points: 1) how much time can be spent each day and 2) what type of content is acceptable to consume and share. There are often parental management features to enforce whatever rules you set.

Once the fine print has been written, It’s helpful to give kids a little extra incentive for sticking to the guidelines. Think about a point-based reward system–maybe good grades and following rules/expectations yield more screen time. 

Enforce and monitor your child’s time online. Instagram and TikTok have in-app-based parental controls. ‘Family Pairing,’ for example, links your TikTok account (sign up if you don’t have one) with your child’s, giving you control over screen time, who they can message, and what type of content they can view. There’s also a ‘Restricted Mode,’ which, when activated, screens out sensitive content. Don’t forget to remind them why setting these limits is important for their mental health. Once negotiations finish, put everything into a ‘family tech agreement.’

Step 3: Create a Family Tech Agreement and Tech-Free Zones

Putting the rules in writing gives them authority. Make it clear to your child that these guidelines are always open for review and modification. It’s also a good idea to designate specific areas and times in your home as Techk-free. Your child now has a set amount of time they can spend on apps or games, but making family meals or homework time recreational tech-free moments to reconnect is a strategy that often works well.

I use this practice in my own home, and it not only encourages more meaningful interactions but also reinforces the idea that life beyond the screen is equally, if not more, rewarding.

How We Show Up: Eyes on the Prize

Start small, have the conversation, and don’t be afraid to adapt as your child grows. But most importantly, don’t lose sight of the main goal. As caretakers, we’re having these conversations about balancing online exploration and real-world experiences for one reason: to give our children the best shot at crafting their mature identities with confidence and grace.

Boundaries are not about restricting fun—they’re about creating a space where your child can thrive. In this dance between freedom and guidance, let us lead with love, compassion, and an unwavering commitment to their well-being.