Freedom from Frenemies: How Kids Pick Friends
As kids begin to define themselves through friendships, they become increasingly vulnerable to exploitative social entanglements, online and in real life. While parents must let kids explore the social waters independently, communicating about and modeling healthy relationship dynamics at home is essential during this development phase.
The inflection years are a whole vibe, as the kids might say. Their social spheres, both in real life and online, are defined by the combustible combination of heightened awareness of peers and the inability to process social disappointment. I remember worrying that other kids were having fun without me during pre-adolescence. Still, I couldn’t have imagined today’s FOMO, intensified and validated by real-time photos and videos posted to Snapchat. Naturally, I wish I could spare my sons, my patients, and all kids for that matter, this and other pain, but as a psychiatrist, I know I can’t—and shouldn’t— get involved, except in very rare circumstances.
Children will suffer while testing their social waters during inflection: You don’t need to be a genius to know that. I wince when parents give in to the natural temptation to mitigate discomfort by resolving their kids’ conflicts or preventing them from having experiences. Trust me - my Momma Bear wants to get in there too! Though well-intentioned, stepping in prevents pre-adolescents from developing the resilience they’ll need to face relationship challenges now and in the future. Moving into adolescence and adulthood without these necessary internal tools creates far more potential for lasting harm than any momentary conflict could.
Instead of trying to prevent or erase the discomfort, we should aspire to act as emotional anchors—providing a safe space for our kids to reflect on their experiences, process their feelings, and learn from the ups and downs of relationships. I believe that by letting our kids make mistakes while showing them how to spot toxic relationships, set healthy boundaries, and walk away when needed, inflection-ers will enter adolescence prepared.
Spotting the Signs of a Toxic Friendship
Understanding the distinction between not interfering and doing nothing as parents is essential. Make no mistake, caregivers can and should help kids understand what a healthy friendship looks like. You want to communicate that healthy friends support each other, celebrate each other's successes, and help each other grow. Toxic friendships, on the other hand, are draining, emotionally manipulative, and leave us feeling diminished. Some red flags to encourage kids to look out for:
- Constant criticism: A friend who criticizes you, belittles you, or makes you feel unworthy can be toxic, even if it’s framed as “just joking.”
- One-sided loyalty: When one friend demands constant attention, support, or loyalty while offering little in return, the relationship is imbalanced.
- Exclusion or manipulation: If a friend pressures you to keep secrets, refuses to include you in plans, or tries to control your other friendships, these behaviors indicate unhealthy influence.
- Feeling drained or anxious: If spending time with a friend leaves you feeling anxious, unhappy, or emotionally exhausted, it’s time to reconsider the relationship.
The Power of Boundaries
One of the most important skills a parent can teach their child is setting boundaries. We begin by setting and observing them in the mother-child dynamic and explaining that beyond just saying “no” to others, boundaries recognize and respect personal limits—emotional, physical, and mental. In a healthy friendship, boundaries make friends feel safe, valued, and respected. In a toxic friendship, boundaries are pushed or ignored.
Start with teaching kids to trust their own feelings. They should listen to that gut feeling if something doesn’t feel right in a friendship. Encourage them to express their needs and limits directly, whether saying no to something uncomfortable or telling a friend or classmate when their behavior isn’t ok.
Walking Away from Toxic Friendships
The hardest lesson of all, to both grasp and execute, involves when and why to walk away. Ending a friendship, especially the early, emotionally charged ones of infection, can feel like a betrayal of something sacred. Tweens need to understand that it’s ok to outgrow a friendship that no longer serves them, and maintaining a dysfunctional relationship isn’t noble. Ending toxic friendships doesn’t make someone a bad friend—it takes bravery and the ability to act out of self-preservation.
We are there by our children’s side if they want us during these moments. Always acknowledge and be willing to sit with them in the pain of the breakup–no rushing in with platitudes and praise for ‘doing the right thing.’ Remind them of the bigger picture: Ending a toxic friendship is an act of self-respect and a step toward finding more authentic, supportive connections. It won’t hurt this bad forever.
Guiding Tweens Through the Emotional Rollercoaster
As difficult as it can be, the pain of a toxic friendship is also a powerful teacher. It teaches kids about themselves—what they value in others, what they need to feel safe and supported, and how to trust their own instincts. That’s why the emotional rollercoaster of inflection’s social landscape builds empathy, resilience, and a clearer sense of identity.
We help kids process the emotional fallout that creates growth by asking open-ended questions and sitting with discomfort and fear instead of stepping in to fix everything. Share your own stories—things that have gone wrong in your own relationships and what you’ve learned from them. These reflections help them heal and feel less alone.
Moving Forward: Building Stronger Connections
Every challenging social experience carries growth potential. Once kids understand the signs of toxicity and how to set boundaries, they become empowered to seek out fulfilling, respectful, and supportive friendships. These relationships might not always be perfect—no friendship is—but they will be rooted in mutual respect and emotional safety.
As their parents, we are the first to model mutual trust, the ability to lift each other up, and the love involved in respecting differences. We are their first highs and lows, the architects of their resilience, and real-life examples of all human relationships' joys and challenges.
Our most lasting legacy will be our children's ability to weather the storms of friendship, learn from them, and emerge stronger on the other side.
Additional helpful reads
Check out these helpful blog posts for more insights from Dr. Monika Roots.
The Ground Up Model: Why We Need Specialized Mental Health Support for Young Patients
Too often adult care models are mapped onto children for mental health, but that strategy ignores the unique needs of children and strains the system at the same time. The industry needs to start shifting collectively to a ground-up method. Let’s get into what that is, how it can happen, and why it’s necessary.
Tweens Into Teens, Part 4: How to Talk to Kids About Sex and Sexuality
Talking to kids about sex and sexuality can feel daunting, but it’s a crucial part of guiding them toward informed, healthy relationships. From learning how to set boundaries to tackling tough topics like pornography, the most important thing we can do is create judgment-free conversations — turning an awkward talk into a lasting dialogue.