Embracing Defiance: Understanding Your Child's Developmental Process

Tweens and the Desire for Independence

Parents always come to me, wounded and worried about their kid's newly defiant posture. It’s understandable because, during the inflection years, your kid goes from being your angel to your adversary. What parents are missing is the knowledge that not only is the defiance ‘normal,’ it’s necessary! A newly oppositional child excels developmentally, achieving an important milestone through this oppositional posture. She’s learning to make judgments on her own about safety, risk, and value. In other words, your child is starting to survive, little by little, without your protection in the world. 

Keeping our kids safe and moving in the right direction through the inflection years isn’t easy: anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Success doesn’t come from applying a formula consistently, having one well-executed deep conversation, or being more a friend than a parent. The awkwardness and peculiar alchemy of pre-adolescence is uncomfortable and it’s scary.  We need to enter into that with them. 

My mantra for negotiating your child’s inclination to disagree with anything you say is to stay connected, vulnerable, and teachable with your pre-adolescents. You’ll hear it again and again because, without question, your manner and conduct as the adult sets the tone. The buck stops with you. 

Step 1: Stop Judging So Harshly

It’s up to us to show our kids that we recognize this phase as valid and meaningful so if the first word that pops up when asked to describe a pre-adolescent’s brain is immature, you need to check yourself. Experts think we may evaluate in a harsh light partly because of our cultural understanding of tweens as “deficit adults”.  We don’t consider toddlers deficit preschoolers and shouldn’t have a double standard for the inflection years. 

Again, this is a distinct growth phase: kids are learning to do things their way. It’s natural and healthy for them to pursue adventures and assume some risk. If we as adults can reframe our negative perspective, much of the adversarial tone that colors dialogue with young people would diminish. 

Youth is Wasted on the Young

The primary culprit for the frustration and pain we feel at this age has to do with a quirk of nature, as referenced in the phrase "youth is wasted on the young." Simply put, from the inflection years through our 20s, when we're most endowed with vitality and energy, our brains can’t use it wisely. Adolescents are only beginning to grasp abstract thinking due to their still-developing frontal lobe. Life’s complex phenomena, like sexuality and violence, cannot be understood in all their complexity without that frontal lobe. Add to that the easy access to grown-up content—such as pornography—and the frequent reality of school shootings, the discrepancy is more pronounced than ever before. 

For example, today’s young women experience puberty earlier than in the past, making conception viable, but not the emotional processing of a romantic rejection. Naturally, that dissonance feels dangerous.

Do we, as adults, have a role in preventing unnecessary pain and negative consequences for our kids? Absolutely. But it requires an approach that defies conventional expectations.

How We Show Up: Reframing Defiance as Development 

Remember, the inflection years are a distinct developmental phase, even though its characteristic symptom is confusion. The brain is entering a major reconstruction era, moving from magical thinking to the more logical thinking required of adulthood. This process won’t be finished until our mid-twenties so we witness phases – or stages – of shifts. 

FInal Thoughts: Leaning into Vulnerability

As we navigate the intricate landscape of pre-adolescence together, remember that our role as advocates, parents, and mentors is both a profound responsibility and a tremendous opportunity. Our tweens stand on the brink of becoming, grappling with their emerging identities and the world around them. By offering unwavering support, empathy, and understanding, we provide the stability and guidance they need to thrive amidst the chaos.

See this time as not just about guiding our children through their tumultuous transitions but also about reflecting on our vulnerability. Each moment of connection, every effort to understand and validate their experiences, contributes to their resilience and sense of self-worth. Feeling nervous about doing it right is a good thing: nerves provide the energy you’ll need to be the person your child needs you to be.

Let’s commit to being present, to listening deeply, and to advocating passionately for the kids who show us what strength under pressure looks like every day.

I hope to see you back soon for my thoughts on x and y during inflection. Until then, be well!